Chirren

I hate children. And I'm not just saying that because Kathy Griffin always says it. It is sort of true. Specifically, I hate teens and tweens. That whole middle school/high school lot. Little kids can be kind of adorable, and babies are just loud lumps of flesh that mean no harm, but teenagers are savages who find themselves unfathomably--albeit erroneously-- clever, and so I make to you this proposal:

Bear in mind that I understand that I was once a teenager myself. That I have nieces who will one day be teenagers as well. And that I remember crystal clear those years of my youth where I was unmercifully tortured by my peers. I can remember walking to school one day and thinking to myself that they should have separate high schools for teenagers who were more mature. An admirable concept that merits expansion.

I propose that every city have a section of it cordoned off and divided into two parts: one part will be the school for the Decent Kids (DKs), the other, the Indecent Kids (IKs). Everyone starts off in the DK School. You take all the same classes that you would take in middle school and high school, but you also take a class on Social Responsibility and Respectfulness. This is where you learn not only your pleases and thank yous, about waiting your turn in line and saying sorry when you may have slighted someone, but you're also taught the value of empathy and compassion.

Think of it as a sort of How to Be Like Jesus class.

If you mouth off, act like an ass, or behave in an unseemly manner--boom! You're shifted over to the IK School. There, you will begin every morning being beaten so as to take the fight out of you (not in a way that leaves any permanent damage). You are forced to wear a brown potato sack to emphasize the virtue of humility. You take all the same classes that you would take in the DK School, but after lunchtime, you're forced to run in circles while being whipped to calm you down before classes resume for the rest of the day.

Think of it as a sort of concentration camp for miscreants.

Sound harsh? I'll give you that. But effective without a doubt. And I invite any naysayers to speak with Mr. Alterhausen, who tells me regularly of terrible tales from the classroom.

The little bastards need to be reigned in. And, like the Jackie DeShannon song goes, "And the world...will be a better place for you...and me...ya just wait....and see!"