Since my spectacular fall from grace the weekend before last, it's been pretty blech-tastic. I still can't believe I couldn't make it two more weekends. Even the arrival of some new clothes, part of my recent shopping spree, didn't manage to cheer me up today. Instead, it highlighted my weight. Maybe I had in fact been losing some pounds in those two weeks. Still, can't deny the glow of new clothes. Kind of.
I also didn't manage to clean the apartment this past weekend even, and couldn't drag myself to the grocery store today or yesterday. I felt so icky yesterday morning, that I just worked from home.
The avoidance from sugar had brought over me a certain calm that took a few months to reach. Having disturbed that with even one cheat day has invited back tiny sugar-inspired tantrums that, while aren't the end of the world, were nicely a thing of the past. Gotta hop back on that wagon.
I did have a blood pressure check this morning, though, and the employee said it was good, and lower than before. Granted, she barely spoke a lick of English, and, I believe, may have used the cuff that's too small for my arm.
Barbara, a member of my team, retired today. I had thought I might be in tears by the end of the day, but managed okay. We're taking her out for dinner next month, and I'm sure I'll sporadically keep in touch. She was truly sweet, and will be missed.
I must remind myself despite feeling sub-par that things are going well. My debt is being managed, no other great calamities are befalling me or hovering just among the outskirts. I know I still have my bday (that I hope doesn't fall through) this year if nothing else, so just gotta breathe.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Cut the crap, Jan
I tried. I failed. And I'm not all that broken up about it.
Last night, as I was closing down my computer and preparing to go to the gym, the four-day weekend ahead of me loomed up close, and blossomed so that every waking minute seemed rich with possibility for the taking...if I were to take a drink. So, I loaded up at the BevMo, hit up the gym, made a mad last dash to the Whole Foods for a mixer, and settled in for several hours with a coupla tatankas.
I still made it about 20 days without even so much as a sip, so that had to be good. Kind of.
I blame my computer and Resident Evil 7. If I'd had something active to do and challenge myself, I would've focused on that, but my computer isn't compatible enough to play the game properly.
Of further worry, I've suddenly turned into a fashion plate now that my credit cards are on the down low, and have went on a spree buying all sorts of new casual clothes. In my defense, they're really reasonably priced and look great. I got three pieces yesterday, and lo! They all fit! I've been the king of cargo pants and Herman Munster shoes for so long that it's kind of fun to refresh my look. That has included work attire as well.
It is all a bit like watching a car crash about to happen from a distance in slow motion, though. This was how I behaved when I first got my new batch of credit cards in 2013. And I always tell myself I'll pay them off without much chagrin, but that clearly didn't happen this last time. I'll have a month with three paychecks in April where I will be able to catch up, but I'm hoping my shopping habits slow down as well.
Last night, as I was closing down my computer and preparing to go to the gym, the four-day weekend ahead of me loomed up close, and blossomed so that every waking minute seemed rich with possibility for the taking...if I were to take a drink. So, I loaded up at the BevMo, hit up the gym, made a mad last dash to the Whole Foods for a mixer, and settled in for several hours with a coupla tatankas.
I still made it about 20 days without even so much as a sip, so that had to be good. Kind of.
I blame my computer and Resident Evil 7. If I'd had something active to do and challenge myself, I would've focused on that, but my computer isn't compatible enough to play the game properly.
Of further worry, I've suddenly turned into a fashion plate now that my credit cards are on the down low, and have went on a spree buying all sorts of new casual clothes. In my defense, they're really reasonably priced and look great. I got three pieces yesterday, and lo! They all fit! I've been the king of cargo pants and Herman Munster shoes for so long that it's kind of fun to refresh my look. That has included work attire as well.
It is all a bit like watching a car crash about to happen from a distance in slow motion, though. This was how I behaved when I first got my new batch of credit cards in 2013. And I always tell myself I'll pay them off without much chagrin, but that clearly didn't happen this last time. I'll have a month with three paychecks in April where I will be able to catch up, but I'm hoping my shopping habits slow down as well.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Cocktail-free February™: Day 14
The gym Valentine's Day evening is perhaps one of the saddest things ever. And I got to be a part of it!
There were legit only about six people there, and I'm not even exaggerating. One guy was even a hottie, but his piece was probably out of town or something, and they'll be celebrating this weekend.
My feeling about Valentine's Day is that it's a time to celebrate the fact that we can love, even if we don't have a particular romantic love in our life at the time. I stick to that, and still hold true to it, even if I may be a bit less enthusiastic about the message nowadays. Forty is only eight months away. I'm not actively looking for anyone even though we are in the age of The Grindr and Tinder. And, perhaps the biggest sore spot, I'm not shockingly Instagram attractive enough to have them falling at my feet.
But neither are most people. And they still hook up. I would just rather it be someone who's the full package, probably even quite a bit better looking than myself, if I'm honest, even though in all honesty, the swath of types I find attractive runs pretty broad.
If it's not meant to be, and I go the way of Tim Gunn being celibate into my sixties, so be it, sister. If the homosex does in fact turn out to be a grievous sin, maybe I'll be spared hell. Ha!
Part of the lack of man-love has to do with my pad. Now, I love my little apartment to pieces. This is true. But it's sort of like my own little rabbit den with my things crowded hither and yon, with a only a bachelor-level semblance of clean. To this end, I hopped onto Amazon the other night and bought myself a new entertainment system, a new vanity, and a new shower curtain, along with some new casual threads. It all ran me only about $100, and the new furniture is a vastly needed update to the dilapidated desk holding up my TV and shredded laundry hamper substituting as my vanity.
We are half way through C-fF. And I had a chocolate chip cookie today.
You know where this is going.
I'm just floored at how there seems to be no noticeable impact. I'm due to get my blood pressure checked, so maybe I'll go tomorrow and see if it's gone down. I was hoping I might start to feel my pants sag, which is a sign that my vodka gut is shrinking, but life is not so kind.
There were legit only about six people there, and I'm not even exaggerating. One guy was even a hottie, but his piece was probably out of town or something, and they'll be celebrating this weekend.
My feeling about Valentine's Day is that it's a time to celebrate the fact that we can love, even if we don't have a particular romantic love in our life at the time. I stick to that, and still hold true to it, even if I may be a bit less enthusiastic about the message nowadays. Forty is only eight months away. I'm not actively looking for anyone even though we are in the age of The Grindr and Tinder. And, perhaps the biggest sore spot, I'm not shockingly Instagram attractive enough to have them falling at my feet.
But neither are most people. And they still hook up. I would just rather it be someone who's the full package, probably even quite a bit better looking than myself, if I'm honest, even though in all honesty, the swath of types I find attractive runs pretty broad.
If it's not meant to be, and I go the way of Tim Gunn being celibate into my sixties, so be it, sister. If the homosex does in fact turn out to be a grievous sin, maybe I'll be spared hell. Ha!
Part of the lack of man-love has to do with my pad. Now, I love my little apartment to pieces. This is true. But it's sort of like my own little rabbit den with my things crowded hither and yon, with a only a bachelor-level semblance of clean. To this end, I hopped onto Amazon the other night and bought myself a new entertainment system, a new vanity, and a new shower curtain, along with some new casual threads. It all ran me only about $100, and the new furniture is a vastly needed update to the dilapidated desk holding up my TV and shredded laundry hamper substituting as my vanity.
We are half way through C-fF. And I had a chocolate chip cookie today.
You know where this is going.
I'm just floored at how there seems to be no noticeable impact. I'm due to get my blood pressure checked, so maybe I'll go tomorrow and see if it's gone down. I was hoping I might start to feel my pants sag, which is a sign that my vodka gut is shrinking, but life is not so kind.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Cocktail-free February™: Day 12
One of the things that's supposed to be beneficial about C-fF is the healing of my liver...assuming it's not too far gone at this point. I can't remember if it was Friday or Saturday night, but I felt a pinching sensation in that general area at night, and was rather miffed. Unless said pinching sound was the organ at work repairing itself, I call shenanigans. I have been foregoing my usual 1,000 milligram dose of Milk Thistle at night because, well, I'm not drinking, so why keep popping a liver-improving supplement?
Today I had, I believe, three episodes of cocktail cravings. The first was in the morning when I was planning out my day. I was going to Japantown to pick up some ointments, then would circle back to Macy's to buy bow ties, cuff links, and socks. I pictured in my head a lovely trot downtown with a to-go cup, and the picture flashed in front of me vividly and angrily before I had to remind myself that I'd committed to this.
I had another one or two on the way back from Japantown as I was trying to gauge how different it was taking a power walk sober rather than on the sauce. I mean, I pass a liquor store and the thought creeps in.
I was going to try to hit up the gym today, but after my extended walk and shopping trip, I settled into my bed, flipped on the TV, and took one of my extended weekend naps that lasted I don't know how many hours.
This is the halfway point weekend-wise of Cf-F, and the sparkle has started to fade in that my hope of occupying myself with the new Resident Evil game was dashed because my computer isn't really compatible with the game; and I don't entirely have the patience to watch a bunch of movies unless they're spectacular. That has left shopping to fill in the void, which has its own set of worries. I really have to prevent myself from going buckwild just because my balances have all been reset. I still want to go to Universal Studios for my birthday, and hope to take my mom to NYC in the next year or so for her sixtieth, so we must be mindful of those duckets.
We can do this. We can power on through.
Today I had, I believe, three episodes of cocktail cravings. The first was in the morning when I was planning out my day. I was going to Japantown to pick up some ointments, then would circle back to Macy's to buy bow ties, cuff links, and socks. I pictured in my head a lovely trot downtown with a to-go cup, and the picture flashed in front of me vividly and angrily before I had to remind myself that I'd committed to this.
I had another one or two on the way back from Japantown as I was trying to gauge how different it was taking a power walk sober rather than on the sauce. I mean, I pass a liquor store and the thought creeps in.
I was going to try to hit up the gym today, but after my extended walk and shopping trip, I settled into my bed, flipped on the TV, and took one of my extended weekend naps that lasted I don't know how many hours.
This is the halfway point weekend-wise of Cf-F, and the sparkle has started to fade in that my hope of occupying myself with the new Resident Evil game was dashed because my computer isn't really compatible with the game; and I don't entirely have the patience to watch a bunch of movies unless they're spectacular. That has left shopping to fill in the void, which has its own set of worries. I really have to prevent myself from going buckwild just because my balances have all been reset. I still want to go to Universal Studios for my birthday, and hope to take my mom to NYC in the next year or so for her sixtieth, so we must be mindful of those duckets.
We can do this. We can power on through.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Cocktail-free February™: Day 11
This Saturday was not unlike last Saturday in that I awoke rather early, futzed around on YouTube, and around noon, was so tired I took a nap. This nap lasted a good four hours. It was like the sleepiness was slamming me into the pillows, and I couldn't get out of it.
That's another odd aspect of C-fF--that my gym routines hurt more than usual. I don't know what that's about unless it's that usually the alcohol dulls the post-workout pain.
In any event, I awoke around 4:00, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom so I would only have to vacuum and iron my work clothes for the week tomorrow, and decided to make a Macy's run to buy socks and bow ties, and hit up Whole Foods. However, the Chinese New Year's Day parade had other ideas, so after trying to find my way out of it, I settled on a quick Safeway run, and hailed an Uber home.
My Uber driver, who for all intents and purposes seemed to be straight, played ABBA for half of the ride. At first, I genuinely thought I was just hearing a car driving by randomly playing "The Winner Takes It All," but then I realized he had, like, the greatest hits on or something.
It takes me back to around this same time twenty years ago when I was living with Ray and Milo, the only two gay people at my entire fucking 10,000+ undergrad school who I'd seemed to have bonded with. Ray looked like a demonic Ricky Schroeder, and was into a lot of old gay stuff like ABBA, "Boys in the Band," and "Mommie Dearest." He was a vile sack of shit, too, and to really rub the salt in the wound, he was somewhat conventionally attractive, so didn't have much trouble landing the guys.
Admittedly, there were some good times had with the two of them, but Ray headed off to DC for an internship spring quarter, and by then, I'd befriended my new gothic/emo group of straight friends, and was more than ready to move on.
Back to the present, though, I did have at least two pangs today of wanting to quit C-fF and have a few sips of the sauce. It's amazing how they strike with such pointed insistence before I have to take a step back and tell myself, It's only two more weekends. Chill the fuck out.
That's another odd aspect of C-fF--that my gym routines hurt more than usual. I don't know what that's about unless it's that usually the alcohol dulls the post-workout pain.
In any event, I awoke around 4:00, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom so I would only have to vacuum and iron my work clothes for the week tomorrow, and decided to make a Macy's run to buy socks and bow ties, and hit up Whole Foods. However, the Chinese New Year's Day parade had other ideas, so after trying to find my way out of it, I settled on a quick Safeway run, and hailed an Uber home.
My Uber driver, who for all intents and purposes seemed to be straight, played ABBA for half of the ride. At first, I genuinely thought I was just hearing a car driving by randomly playing "The Winner Takes It All," but then I realized he had, like, the greatest hits on or something.
It takes me back to around this same time twenty years ago when I was living with Ray and Milo, the only two gay people at my entire fucking 10,000+ undergrad school who I'd seemed to have bonded with. Ray looked like a demonic Ricky Schroeder, and was into a lot of old gay stuff like ABBA, "Boys in the Band," and "Mommie Dearest." He was a vile sack of shit, too, and to really rub the salt in the wound, he was somewhat conventionally attractive, so didn't have much trouble landing the guys.
Admittedly, there were some good times had with the two of them, but Ray headed off to DC for an internship spring quarter, and by then, I'd befriended my new gothic/emo group of straight friends, and was more than ready to move on.
Back to the present, though, I did have at least two pangs today of wanting to quit C-fF and have a few sips of the sauce. It's amazing how they strike with such pointed insistence before I have to take a step back and tell myself, It's only two more weekends. Chill the fuck out.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Cocktail-free February™: Day 8
I was walking down the street to buy lunch when I caught a reflection of myself in a storefront mirror, all puffy marshmallow face and all. I was a bit pissed because I am eight days into Cocktail-free February™ with a total of ten sober since I actually cut myself off after last Monday, and as yet, there are no noticeable changes. I knew this going in, and I shouldn't hold out hope for a miracle, but it just irritated me a touch.
My sleeping habits are about the same. I'm still peeing three or four times at night. My mind must still be in the same pattern it is on regular weekdays because I beat it home Monday and Tuesday, foregoing the gym. I guess I may have been a little more sprightly on Monday than usual though. I had an optometrist appointment, and the doctor noted that my eyes looked good. Had I been on a bender that weekend, they would likely have been a bit reddened.
He actually made me laugh a bit because when I mentioned how this new generation of contact lenses I had still wasn't sharp enough, he mentioned that I was getting older, and that could be a symptom of it. I'm noticing it increasingly more, especially with my high blood pressure, and how I get winded so much more easily.
We shall just keep plugging away, and I'll try not to get too dismayed. It's still not been so bad, really. It has certainly helped having my credit card debt wiped away, and that situation on track. And I have Monday off, and earmarked to see "Star Wars: Rogue One." 5
My sleeping habits are about the same. I'm still peeing three or four times at night. My mind must still be in the same pattern it is on regular weekdays because I beat it home Monday and Tuesday, foregoing the gym. I guess I may have been a little more sprightly on Monday than usual though. I had an optometrist appointment, and the doctor noted that my eyes looked good. Had I been on a bender that weekend, they would likely have been a bit reddened.
He actually made me laugh a bit because when I mentioned how this new generation of contact lenses I had still wasn't sharp enough, he mentioned that I was getting older, and that could be a symptom of it. I'm noticing it increasingly more, especially with my high blood pressure, and how I get winded so much more easily.
We shall just keep plugging away, and I'll try not to get too dismayed. It's still not been so bad, really. It has certainly helped having my credit card debt wiped away, and that situation on track. And I have Monday off, and earmarked to see "Star Wars: Rogue One." 5
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Cocktail-free February™: Day 5
Day four of Cocktail-free February™ was amazingly productive. I awoke butt-early as I always tend to do since my mind immediately craves stimulation and fun. Instead of trying to sleep in, I got my ass up, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, prepared several salads for myself for the week, and brewed my weekly detox potion. I did have a bit of the shakes when I awoke, the reason for which I really could not place.
Then I settled down to some video games and a movie. About a quarter through the movie, I got tired, so I closed my laptop, and took a nap for about an hour and a half.
When I awoke, I regrouped, and showered in preparation to do some shopping. I hit up the Macy's and bought some cute new casual- and work clothes for myself.
Now, I realize this was not but one post after I said I'd take it easy on the shopping, but I still have a bit over from my loan for play, and I spent it accordingly. I've been working on updating my casual look...sometimes foregoing my preferred baggy cargo pants for the tighter kind now in style, switching out my Herman Munster slip-on black shoes for some stylish Converse, etc. I think it may be paying off. I got what I believe were two smiles from two separate guys yesterday. I almost thought I'd gotten a third, but he seemed way too cute, so I didn't give a second glance to verify.
When evening arrived, I suited up for the gym, and was halfway there before the notion struck me that it may not be open as late on weekends as it is on weekdays, and lo, I was correct. But it was a bus ride to and back, so no extra monies were spent on Uber.
I compiled a list of projects I want to undertake around the house and taped it to my wall. It would fill me with joy if I got through even a few of them.
When I looked at my face last night in preparation for my night routine, it looked a little more even-toned than usual, so maybe the impact is taking hold already. I have not gone six days straight sober in two years. And thus far, it's not proving to be a challenge.
Mind you, I thought the same in 2015, and by the third weekend, the novelty of it all had muchly worn off. I don't care. Maybe I'm a different person now. Maybe not. But we'll push on through to the other side as it is.
Then I settled down to some video games and a movie. About a quarter through the movie, I got tired, so I closed my laptop, and took a nap for about an hour and a half.
When I awoke, I regrouped, and showered in preparation to do some shopping. I hit up the Macy's and bought some cute new casual- and work clothes for myself.
Now, I realize this was not but one post after I said I'd take it easy on the shopping, but I still have a bit over from my loan for play, and I spent it accordingly. I've been working on updating my casual look...sometimes foregoing my preferred baggy cargo pants for the tighter kind now in style, switching out my Herman Munster slip-on black shoes for some stylish Converse, etc. I think it may be paying off. I got what I believe were two smiles from two separate guys yesterday. I almost thought I'd gotten a third, but he seemed way too cute, so I didn't give a second glance to verify.
When evening arrived, I suited up for the gym, and was halfway there before the notion struck me that it may not be open as late on weekends as it is on weekdays, and lo, I was correct. But it was a bus ride to and back, so no extra monies were spent on Uber.
I compiled a list of projects I want to undertake around the house and taped it to my wall. It would fill me with joy if I got through even a few of them.
When I looked at my face last night in preparation for my night routine, it looked a little more even-toned than usual, so maybe the impact is taking hold already. I have not gone six days straight sober in two years. And thus far, it's not proving to be a challenge.
Mind you, I thought the same in 2015, and by the third weekend, the novelty of it all had muchly worn off. I don't care. Maybe I'm a different person now. Maybe not. But we'll push on through to the other side as it is.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
I just want clean lines and surfaces, darling!
The subject of this post is a reference to an old "Absolutely Fabulous" episode where the chaotic Edina Monsoon hurls into a mad rush to rearrange her apartment in anticipation of the arrival of some old friends who were the epitome of minimalist. When they arrive, they come bearing a newborn, and all the clatter--physical, emotional, and mental--that comes with a baby.
Well, this month marks two important downsizing initiatives--one temporary, one not so much.
The first is Cocktail-free February™. I have been excited about it this whole week, and got a head start on my movie watching, having taken in the sad tale of ex-gay Michael Glatze in "I Am Michael," and the semi-surreal coming-of-age story, "Closet Monster." Plus I bought Resident Evil 7, and have been playing it sporadically (I have to stop every so often because it scares me shitless).
I am looking forward to not vomiting Monday mornings (and Tuesdays sometimes, too), not waking up to pee five times a night, not being awoken at 5:00 am by mysterious, stabbing hunger pains, not feeling perpetually tired, not getting cranky, losing fat, gaining energy, not having burst blood vessels on my face when I go into work Monday mornings from vomiting so harshly, not feeling gross, and saving a little money.
Who knows. If it's a success, we may consider entertaining it more often.
The second more long-lasting change has to do with my debt. Of the many offers I get in the mail to take up a loan to pay off my credit cards, I finally looked into one that could give me actual numbers without me officially applying for it. Given the choice to keep paying the minimum on most of my cards for two decades or get a loan now to pay them off now that could be paid off in seven years, I chose the latter. It's a fixed rate with fixed payments, and it means I will actually have more spending money than I do now. Plus I will obviously continue to get pay increases within the next seven years, so my income will still increase. I'm obviously not a person who knows how to handle credit wisely, so I sure as shit will become Mr. Frugal for the next seven years so as not to land myself in this mess again.
I'll be 46 when the loan is finally paid off, about 11 years from my targeted retirement date. Probably not going to hold out for any fabulous trips before then, but I'm not ruling anything out. It was so wonderful to see all those balances drop to $0... and next, my available credit limits will probably drop, too, since I won't be using most of the cards all that often.
In any event, I feel okay with the decision, and feel like the slate has been swept clean. No more shopping sprees, not that I should ever have had them in the first place.I just want clean lines and surfaces, darling!
Well, this month marks two important downsizing initiatives--one temporary, one not so much.
The first is Cocktail-free February™. I have been excited about it this whole week, and got a head start on my movie watching, having taken in the sad tale of ex-gay Michael Glatze in "I Am Michael," and the semi-surreal coming-of-age story, "Closet Monster." Plus I bought Resident Evil 7, and have been playing it sporadically (I have to stop every so often because it scares me shitless).
I am looking forward to not vomiting Monday mornings (and Tuesdays sometimes, too), not waking up to pee five times a night, not being awoken at 5:00 am by mysterious, stabbing hunger pains, not feeling perpetually tired, not getting cranky, losing fat, gaining energy, not having burst blood vessels on my face when I go into work Monday mornings from vomiting so harshly, not feeling gross, and saving a little money.
Who knows. If it's a success, we may consider entertaining it more often.
The second more long-lasting change has to do with my debt. Of the many offers I get in the mail to take up a loan to pay off my credit cards, I finally looked into one that could give me actual numbers without me officially applying for it. Given the choice to keep paying the minimum on most of my cards for two decades or get a loan now to pay them off now that could be paid off in seven years, I chose the latter. It's a fixed rate with fixed payments, and it means I will actually have more spending money than I do now. Plus I will obviously continue to get pay increases within the next seven years, so my income will still increase. I'm obviously not a person who knows how to handle credit wisely, so I sure as shit will become Mr. Frugal for the next seven years so as not to land myself in this mess again.
I'll be 46 when the loan is finally paid off, about 11 years from my targeted retirement date. Probably not going to hold out for any fabulous trips before then, but I'm not ruling anything out. It was so wonderful to see all those balances drop to $0... and next, my available credit limits will probably drop, too, since I won't be using most of the cards all that often.
In any event, I feel okay with the decision, and feel like the slate has been swept clean. No more shopping sprees, not that I should ever have had them in the first place.I just want clean lines and surfaces, darling!
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