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Gideon shot me down. Well, it wasn't that bad, but it certainly wasn't what I expected.

We had Thai at a lovely restaurant near the Ferry Building, then took a walk along the Bay. And there, underneath the night sky, I asked him if he wanted to make us official. I really felt that this was sort of a formality since we'd been seeing each other for some time. But he gave me the, "It's not you, it's me" speech.

He just feels he couldn't give me himself one hundred percent, primarily because he isn't happy with what he's doing with his life. Like a lot of people, the economy has hit him hard, and he's making ends meets by working two jobs that basically just pay the bills. And because he feels defined by his real passion in life, he just doesn't feel completely fulfilled.

Now, I don't care so much about what someone does or how much they make, but who they are. I told him that if it had something to do with how he felt about me, I understood that it would probably be too uncomfortable to bring up, but he denied this.

I appreciated the fact that he gave me an honest maybe/no instead of a conciliatory yes. But we've been seeing each other for a few months now. True, it started off as friends, but took a romantic turn. I don't usually show the more cuddly side of myself to someone or allow things to progress to a physical level if I don't think it would lead to a relationship. I had put some thought into whether or not things would work between us. I'd felt the appropriate groundwork had been laid, and had read the signals from him, which seemed fairly clear.

And so, if he had any uncertainty about the outcome of us, why didn't he bring it up earlier? I would've liked to have gotten the memo before I made it a habit of being so affectionate, which is just not something I do easily unless I feel comfortable with someone. Did he think this was just something casual, a friends with benefits-type situation, and if so, what gave him that idea? I would've liked to have remained friends, so if he didn't want things to progress, he should've made that clear. Now it's just that much more difficult.

My feelings of self-worth are not diminished, though. I'm not heartbroken, so please, no comments or condolences telling me the right guy is out there for me. I'm just mightily peeved, but it will pass.

On the flip side, the Thai restaurant, Osha, was fan_tas_tic. The pineapple shrimp was da bomb, and the rice filled me up like those little toys you used to put in the water that would enlarge. And the cocktail menu is by far the best I've ever seen. Sweet and scrumptious! Let's hope I can eat there again without the recollection of unfortunate events.